NOVEMBER 1976

HIGH GEAR

DECORATING

ADELE H. LOUIS XIV FREE WALL

ALTAR

Adele Hugo, daughter of French novelist Victory Hugo declared "Love is my religion!", and actually built an altar replete with icons and votif candles, for a man she literally worshipped, but who despised and avoided her.

No chic gay home or apartment should be without such a shrine! If you haven't "loved and lost" on a grand scale, you haven't loved worth beans!

If you are a romantic, you might like a very "provincia!" French altar like the one constructed by Adele H. with an antique portrait in an arc, illuminated by two brass French candlesticks.

However, if you are a modernist you should select a tall parson's table (Tres religieux! upon which to perform sacraments and two ginger jars in which to place your dream-lover's relics. These relics might include: beer cans from which he has drunk, his cigarette butts, paper towels he has used, "holy water" from his melted ice cubes, and some incredible treasure such as a vestment created from a jacket of his which you have ripped off from the coat room and which still contains his odor.

Snip a photo of "Him" in a muscle contest from a gay newspaper and have it enlarged. Newspaper photos are really composed of tiny black and white dots arranged in a mosaic pattern to facilitate off-set printing. From your enlarged photo you can reconstruct a mosaic of your idol in pastel tiles and repeat the image on matching wallpaper, upholstery, linen and toilet seat cover.

BIN

one

Many neophytes to antique collecting are finding it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to obtain genuine antiques as the scramble for "things old" has almost exhausted the market, sending antique prices soaring. If you are of these "Johnny-come-lately" hobbyists, rue no longer! There are many, as yet untapped sources of genuine antiques which are to be had AT ABSOLUTELY NO COST! Not only are these precious pieces available, but in such quantity that you can create REAL PERIOD ROOMS WITH PIECES TO SPARE! After you've considered the following alternative to rip-off antique shops, you'll tell yourself what a fool you've been not to have thought of them before. Did you know that you can:

1. Build a Louis the XIV coal bin? You can easily construct a seventeenth century coal bin of unquestioned antiquity by following these steps: First, locate a large redwood tree, fell it, and count the growth rings, one ring per year until you discover the rings which were formed during the seventeenth century. Then cut several planks from the wood created during that glorious era. Line a small room in your basement with the planks.

Next, in an open strip mine, remove a ton or so of coal which has as yet been unmined and which existed during the lifetimes of France's great monarchs. Rent a U-haul. Fill up your cedar-lined bin and your period room is complete.

2. Construct a Victorian bedroom? Easily! Simply visit an old cemetery. Beneath selected Victorian monuments exhume a number of fine coffins. Remove the contents. Arrange these expertly crafted boxes in your bedroom. You may saw away one side each from two caskets and join them together to form a double bed, or arrange three sarcophagi separately as modular units. For added original plushness, remove the tufted linings of extra coffins, flatten them out, and iron them. Then cover the walls and ceilings with the ornate, queenly material. Break off mortuary ornaments and posidition them in your room as sculptures. Your cocktail guests will be awed by your inventiveness and taste!

PAPER

In each successive issue of this journal we are publishing four spare inches of the same wall coverings. If you subscribe now, in thirty years you can paper an entire room for free! Don't worry about yellowing! We are systemtically dying each future issue slightly yellower than its predecessor so that your new fragments will always match. Choose from these exciting patterns:

WICKER WONDERS

Welcome to the wonderful world of wicker! Wicker desks and lamp shades are only the horizon for wicker products brought to you by Wicked Wicker Ltd. Our collection includes:

a) wicker sheets and pillowcases for breezy summer snoozing. No washing necessary. After 3 weeks of use, Humorous Lambdas shaped simply repaint or refinish your

like Lambs

B

Bette Midler and David Bowie Silhouettes

Simulated Leather

IDEAS!

Make an interesting fake fireplace out of half of an old tire. (Use the other half for shoes.) If you liked our traditional velvet pictures, you'll go beserk over our new crushed velvet pictures! To accommodate our expanding gay market, we are introducing our every popular LAPS AND LEGS OF THE TWELVE DISCIPLES in three tasteful day-glow colors.

Designer Mel Pel is creating interesting stained glass windows from the fasle teeth of heavy smokers.

Ronaldo DeGel says: Get Bent(wood)!

sheets.

b) wicker onion soup great for dieters! Hawaiian skirts from the land of the Wicky-wacky, can't beat turkeys of straw, by cracky! c) prickly rings ideally fitted for those "straw dogs."

d) wicker slave collars. Lead your lover around on a wicker slave collar. First used by Pontius Pilate in 33 A.D.

e)somke your underwear! Try out wicker underwear made from woven marijuana stalks. When they get raunchy, stuff them in your bong.

Doctor Rubin suggests Need an orifice? Take some stuffing out of your bean bag chair.

Chief Yellow River will decorate your tea-pee. Call 111-2222

2222.

Send now for your bronze or silver-plated baby shoes! No home mantle should be without one. If you don't have a baby, we'll send you a bronzed or silver-plated baby!

PAGE 33

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LOST by Van Ault Floating along endless blackened skies,

1 penetrate bloated borders And pile integrated nights Into heaps of glowing ashes. Clouds and seas mingle apart Between faded birds crashing flights Seeking a rooted paradise home Amidst sun burning shores.

on

A gliding, smoky dawn arises on the scapes,

Pouring down thermals rays of moist sweetness

Upon a lost and hidden face.

Light is strewn among painted plains

As I surface to its shine, And again it lights my path, And I once more find my way.